Last night I said “I love you” on the phone, but my eyes still jump around as I sit at this coffee shop.
A lady with stylish round glasses quickly meets my eye while she laughs with her friend. They order some sugary “coffee” drinks while I try not to look over. I try to concentrate on my work.
As I write this sentence, my head turns and follows another lady in jean shorts walking over to the restroom. Why am I so entranced? Is this patriarchy? Is this objectification?
If I was in a woke room, they’d probably say it is. If I was with my sister she’d probably say it’s “toxic masculinity.” If I was gonna read Sex at Dawn by evolutionary psychologist Christopher Ryan, he would probably say it’s biology.
But now I have to think of my lady. I wouldn’t want her feeling bad about herself or insecure—she’s expressed such feelings to me before. But as I look up for a second, I catch the stylish glasses lady looking over my way. I’ll admit, I’m not the best looking dude out there, but I do have a cute and dorky smile. We break eye contact and I shake my head a little to remind me to get back to work.
Be a Real Man: Buffet or a Single Dish
Now let me preface that this story and metaphor may be highly problematic. It is what happened though.
I was sitting at a fancy restaurant with family when we started to talk about my cousin and his girlfriend. This dude is about to move away for college and so his dad started to joke that his 1-year relationship won’t last. “Once you meet someone new” it’s all going to change. Another brotha at the table chimed in: “long-distance relationships don’t work.” You gotta play the field and see what you like and don’t like, then you’ll be able to settle.
Now this scene was very familiar to me. At 18, I remember sitting at a table with older family members and their friends. I was told, “wag ka ma pikot ha,” basically translating to don’t get caught up. If you got pikot, it means that you got someone pregnant and thus forced to marry and take care of them. I remember thinking, naaahhh I’m in love. But when I got home and started to think about it, I started to wonder what it would be like to be with other women. That led me down a path of chasing relationships for years and never being truly content. I reflected on that experience and put it into a spoken word poem.
Disrespecting a blessing in exchange, for what?
Superficial caressing, non-Bilblical undressing?
Now my mind is stressing from my lack of confession
I ended up telling my younger cousin nah, you don’t have to “play the field” or see everything that’s out there if you’re happy with what you already have. It was cool to hear that he’s committed to his lady and wants the long-distance thing to work out. It’s admittedly refreshing to hear that from the youth. He’s around 7 years younger than me.
But that’s when a mini-debate started up between the older men at the table and myself. Veiled through humor and metaphors, they pushed the idea that before you know what you really like, you’ve gotta try all that’s out there. For example, if you’re at a buffet, you need to taste the chicken, pork, and all the different cuts of steak such as rib-eye and tenderloin before deciding what you really want. Even dropping the argument that this is what real men do.
Now I’m not one to diss or preach about a specific lifestyle, but I’m a big advocate for the pursuit of personal direction and desires—it all has to come from within. The problem is basing our decisions on supposed measures of manliness and ideals instead of looking within and understanding what we really want. The book Mate by Tucker Max & Geoffrey Miller actually has a good paradigm shift. People have different inclinations when it comes to the number of partners they want: the key is not to judge, but to follow one’s personal calling. If you want to date and be with multiple women, go ahead. If you want to find depth in one committed monogamous relationship, go ahead as well. As long as that’s what you truly want and you’re honest with everyone involved. Don’t do things just because other people tell you to pursue a certain standard.
Wishful playboys will tell you to fuck anything that moves. Religious zealots will tell you that virginity is the key to heaven. My question is: why are people so caught up in trying to influence and control other people? Why are these uncles so concerned about what I do in my dating life? Mind your own business tito.
But I’m a hypocrite.
I spoke on following your personal calling and being committed if that’s what you really want to do—very principled huh—but during our lunch my mental self-discipline was put to the test.
While we were going back-and-forth about relationships, a lady stepped into the room and commanded attention. Her smile was beaming, her skin polished and smooth, her looks were measured and precise—I felt a shift in the atmosphere; the change was palpable. This lady with striking features and a bubbly aura was admittedly beautiful. A combination of classic symmetry and socialized standards of beauty halted our conversation—the men at the table were silent for a quick second. Although we didn’t say anything vulgar or even spoke about her, you could feel the energy shift for a moment—a few deep breaths needed to recollect us.
We continued our conversation while this lady sat a table away. I tried to concentrate on what we were talking about, but my gaze easily shifted over at least 5 times just to get one more look. It was as if my mind couldn’t believe that someone this aesthetically beautiful was right in front of us.
And to think: I just texted my lady “I love you” a few hours ago.
#BrownIsBeatiful vs. Whitening Lotions
Now here’s why I’m an asshole. If you look at my Instagram you’ll find numerous posts tagged with #BrownIsBeautiful as an attempt to shift culture away from colorism and empower those with darker skin to embrace their beauty. I’m Mr. Woke Brown Boi.
Did you know that in the Philippines being white and lighter skin is glamorized? Y’all on #TeamLightSkin in the US are beginners compared to the whitening lifestyle out here. We’ve got rows and rows of whitening products: lotions, creams, pills, and injections—anything you want.
Being white or lighter-skinned is equated to social class and superiority. Majority of the country’s pop icons and models on advertisements are of lighter complexion. You have terms of endearment such as maputi, which loosely translates to like-white, mirrored by phrases of disdain such as “ang itim mo,” which means you’re so dark.
So here I am, Mr. Woke-Ass Brown Empowerment, looking over at this light-skinned lady who closely resembles the standard of beauty displayed on advertisements and local television. My head thinks damn.. both because of her beauty but also because of guilt. I’m dating a beautiful brown lady, but I’m still caught up looking at another.
I’m a victim of 400 years of conditioning..
Even my conditioning has been conditioned..
Is this just conditioning? Why do I still look at other women if I’m honestly grateful for the woman I already have in my life? Or is this just natural biology? Jada Pinkett Smith said that “just because your man is attracted to another woman, does not mean he doesn’t love you.” Maybe I can accept that I find other women attractive, even if it’s based on supposed “problematic” ideals and conditioning. Jada continues that if “your man can’t really see another woman’s beauty, how the hell is he going to see yours?”
So many contradictions. So many thoughts while I’m trying to be faithful.
Conditioning? Biology? Toxic masculinity?
What do you think?
